1. Softening the Self: Checking In
Don’t say: “I am fine”
Say: “I’m doing well”
Why it matters: In English, “I’m fine” has become a “neutral-to-negative” phrase. If you say “I’m fine” with a flat tone, people might think you are actually annoyed or just being polite because you don’t want to talk.
“I’m doing well” is more positive and grammatically precise. It signals that you are in a good mood and open to further conversation.
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Pro Tip: Always follow up with, “And you?” to keep the social flow going.
2. Requesting Clarification
Don’t say: “What?”
Say: “Sorry, could you repeat that?”
Why it matters: A single-word “What?” can sound like an interrogation or a challenge. It can feel like you are annoyed that the person didn’t speak clearly.
“Sorry, could you repeat that?” uses two powerful tools:
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The “Social Sorry”: You aren’t actually apologizing for a crime; you are using “sorry” as a filler to soften the request.
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The Question Format: Asking a question gives the other person the “power” to help you, which feels much more respectful.
3. Handling Disbelief or Disagreement
Don’t say: “You’re crazy”
Say: “That’s unexpected”
Why it matters: Calling someone “crazy” is a personal attack. Even if you mean it as a joke, it can be dismissive of their ideas.
“That’s unexpected” shifts the focus from the person to the information. It allows you to express surprise or disagreement without being insulting. It keeps the door open for them to explain their reasoning.
4. Managing Time and Patience
Don’t say: “Wait”
Say: “Just a moment”
Why it matters: “Wait” is a command. In a professional or formal setting, giving commands to others can feel bossy.
“Just a moment” (or “Give me just a second”) sounds like you are asking for a small favor. It implies that you value their time and will be with them as soon as possible.
5. The Art of Asking (Imperatives vs. Interrogatives)
Don’t say: “Give me that” / “I want water”
Say: “Could you pass that to me?” / “May I have some water, please?”
The Concept: The Death of the Command In English, we try to avoid the Imperative Mood (commands) when asking for things.
| Direct (Too Harsh) | Indirect (Polite) |
| “Give me the file.” | “Would you mind sending me that file?” |
| “I want the menu.” | “Could we see the menu when you have a chance?” |
By using “Could you…” or “May I…”, you are acknowledging that the other person is doing you a favor, rather than just following your orders.
6. Navigating Physical Space
Don’t say: “Move”
Say: “Excuse me”
Why it matters: “Move” is what you say to an object; “Excuse me” is what you say to a human being. Using “Move” suggests that the person is an obstacle in your way. “Excuse me” is a universal “magic phrase” that politely asks for space while acknowledging that you are entering their personal bubble.
7. Controlling the Environment (Silence)
Don’t say: “Shut up”
Say: “Please be quiet”
Why it matters: “Shut up” is one of the most aggressive phrases in the English language. It is designed to silence someone forcefully.
“Please be quiet” or “Could we have some silence?” focuses on the noise level rather than attacking the person’s right to speak. It is much more effective in classrooms, offices, or libraries.
Summary Table: The Secret Ingredients of Politeness
To make any sentence more polite, you can usually apply these three rules:
| Rule | Example |
| Add a Modal Verb | Use “Could,” “Would,” or “May.” |
| The “Please/Thank You” Sandwich | Start with “Please” or end with “Thank you.” |
| Use a Softener | Use phrases like “I’m afraid…” or “Actually…” |
Why this matters for your English journey:
People will judge your English level not just by your vocabulary, but by how you make them feel. Using the “Say This” column makes you sound like a sophisticated, fluent speaker who understands the nuances of social interaction.
