I recently bought a house in a quiet neighborhood. It was a fixer-upper, but the bones were good, and the yard—while a bit overgrown with wildflowers and clover—was exactly how I liked it: natural.

I recently bought a house in a quiet neighborhood. It was a fixer-upper, but the bones were good, and the yard—while a bit overgrown with wildflowers and clover—was exactly how I liked it: natural.

One afternoon, I was startled by the roar of a small engine. I looked out the window to see my neighbor’s 13-year-old son, let’s call him Leo, methodically hacking away at my lawn. I went outside and signaled for him to stop.

“Hey, Leo, what’s up?” I asked.

He looked a bit embarrassed. “I’m mowing your lawn. I usually get $50 for a job this size,” he said, shifting his weight. “My mom told me to ask that. Honestly? I’d be fine with ten.”

I was stunned. “Leo, I didn’t ask for this. I actually like the clover. I’m not paying for a service I didn’t request.”

The kid was polite. He nodded, looked relieved to stop, and wheeled the mower back across the street. I thought that was the end of it.

The next morning, my front door was nearly kicked in by a rhythmic, angry pounding. I opened it to find Leo’s mother, Brenda, looking like she was about to breathe fire.

“HOW DARE YOU NOT PAY MY SON?!” she shrieked before I could even say hello. “He did you a favor—your lawn was messy! It’s an eyesore and it’s bringing down the property value of the whole street!”

I tried to be reasonable. “Brenda, I didn’t ask him to do it. You can’t just perform a service without a contract and then demand payment.”

“He worked for forty-five minutes!” she screamed. “You’re a thief! You’re taking advantage of a child!”

I felt bad for Leo. He was clearly being used as a pawn in his mother’s quest for neighborhood aesthetic dominance. To end the shouting match and keep the peace, I reached into my wallet, handed her $20, and told her to never let her son step foot on my grass again.

She snatched the money, muttered something about “renters ruining the vibe,” and marched away. But as I watched her go, I realized she needed a lesson in how “unsolicited favors” actually worked.

A few days later, I went to the local hardware store and bought several gallons of the cheapest, most industrial-strength, neon-orange “Safety Marking” paint I could find. I also stopped by the garden center and picked up a massive bag of organic fertilizer—the kind made from fermented fish guts. It smelled like a whale had died in a dumpster.

I waited until Saturday morning. Brenda was a stickler for her “Saturday Sanctuary” time, which she usually spent lounging on her back deck with a book.

I noticed her flower beds along the sidewalk were looking a bit “sparse” by my standards. I also noticed her driveway had some very small, natural-looking cracks.

I went to work.

1. The “Safety” Upgrade: I took the neon orange paint and carefully outlined every single tiny crack in her driveway. I even painted a large, bright orange circle around a small puddle of oil from her SUV.

2. The “Nutrition” Boost: I took the fish-gut fertilizer and spread a thick, generous layer over her prize-winning rose bushes.

3. The “Safety” Bollards: I had found some old, rusted metal stakes in my garage. I hammered them into the edge of her lawn near the street, wrapping them in bright yellow “CAUTION” tape.

By noon, I was finished. Brenda’s pristine front yard now looked like a hazardous construction site that smelled like a rotting pier.

I printed out a professional-looking document and walked over to her house. I knocked on the door. When she opened it, she took one look at her yard, then at the orange paint on my hands, and her face turned a shade of purple I didn’t know was biologically possible.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DRIVEWAY?!” she bellowed. “AND WHAT IS THAT REEK?!”

I handed her the paper with a calm smile.

INVOICE: PROFESSIONAL LANDSCAPE SAFETY & NUTRITION

• Driveway Crack Identification & High-Visibility Marking: $150

• Premium Organic Soil Enrichement (Deep Scent Technology): $100

• Perimeter Safety Perimeter Installation: $75

TOTAL DUE: $325.00

“I did you a favor, Brenda,” I said, mimicking her tone from the few days prior. “Your driveway was looking dangerous—someone could have tripped! And your roses were looking so hungry. I’m sure you’ll agree the ‘favor’ was worth the price.”

“I’M CALLING THE POLICE!” she screamed.

“Go ahead,” I shrugged. “Tell them you’re upset because a neighbor performed unsolicited work on your property and is now demanding payment. I’m sure they’ll find the irony as funny as I do. Or, we can just call it even for the $20 I gave Leo, and you can spend the rest of the day scrubbing that paint off with mineral spirits.”

She didn’t call the police. She spent six hours on her hands and knees scrubbing the driveway, gagging at the smell of the fertilizer the whole time.

Leo came over later that evening while his mom was inside icing her back. He gave me a secret thumbs-up and whispered, “The smell is terrible, but seeing her have to clean it was worth it.”

Since then, my lawn has been as “messy” and “natural” as I want it to be, and Brenda hasn’t said a single word to me. Sometimes, the only way to deal with a neighbor who doesn’t respect boundaries is to draw some new ones—in neon orange.