I told him it was not his fault. I told him he did what he could.
But the truth is, I think about what he could have said differently. What words would have made me stop? What could he have told me that would have overridden a mother’s instinct to drive toward her child?
Nothing. The answer is nothing.
Because when it is your child, you go. No matter what. No matter who warns you. No matter how terrified you are. You go.
That is what being a mother means. You drive into the storm because your child is in it.
And you live with whatever you find when you get there.
I am seventy now. Two years have passed since that November afternoon. The gas station is still there on Route 42. I pass it sometimes when I am driving to Daniel’s house for Sunday dinner. Every time I pass it, I look at pump six. Every time, I feel that same cold drop in my stomach.
And every time, I keep driving.
Because my son is waiting for me. And nothing, not a stranger’s warning, not the memory of blood, not the sound of my own screaming on that street, nothing will ever stop me from going to him.
That is what a mother does.
She shows up. No matter what.
Even when it breaks her.